Wet Balls, Muffin Eating, and a Dick in a Box
Written by Lindsay Baldwin
Some people say size matters. Others say it’s all about how you use it----er, wait, that’s not where I was going with this. In the case of the Brew Jays’ performance at the NWLA tournament this past weekend, distance mattered. I’m acting like I know what I’m talking about here, but I’m going to be honest. When Paul asked me to request the weekend off so I could go to the tournament with him, I put it off. I may have even told my boss “Eh, if you can’t work the schedule around it, it’s no big deal” (Sorry, Paul!). But lo and behold, I got the time off and I was ready to spend it getting up at 7 am for two days and watching wiffle ball games for hours. AND no liquor??? Yay. Anyway, I think distance mattered this weekend because the Brew Jays kicked ass. I’ll admit, I don’t claim to know much about the sport, so it doesn’t take much to impress me. But seriously, I listened to the podcast that the Dads put up before the tournament. The Brew Jays were basically called inbred hillbillies and predicted to wind up at the bottom of the pack. I can only imagine how much more ass-kicking there would have been, had the Brew Jays practiced all season with 48 feet between the mound and the strike zone.
I missed the homerun derby, so let’s start with day two. When we arrived at the field, we realized that the misty, cold rain looked like it had set in for the day. It was cold, wet, and pretty damn miserable. Luckily, Jeremy Litton brought enough umbrellas to pass out to the ladies (tents next year?).
Game 1: Brew Jays vs. Cardinals: “The Battle of the Birds.” I heard a lot about Drew McClanahan this year in the few games that I attended during the season. It went mostly like, “Holy shit, Drew McClanahan.” So I knew things were bad when even he seemed surprised that it was a little more difficult to hit the strike zone today. The balls were wet (I heard the phrase “wipe your balls off” enough in two days to last a lifetime), and the extra distance between the mound and the strike zone was proving to be a bigger obstacle than expected. The Cardinals racked up seven runs in the first, and finished the game in only four innings, winning by a staggering 23-1. Gus Skibbe batted in over half of the Cardinals‘ runs, with three grand slams and a homerun. But, can we talk about that pitching style? It was kinda like a ballerina...or a gazelle? Something feminine. Game Video
Game 2: SRL. I kept looking around thinking, “When is the rest of their team coming?” But for a three man team, SRL gave the Brew Jays a run for their money, scoring seven runs in the first inning, and making the Jays fight for the win at 8-7. Game Video
Game 3: Jays vs. Gophers. I liked these kids. In game one of the tournament, one of the spectating teams was heckling McClanahan for knocking over a bucket of balls, calling him a sore loser. Gophers pitcher, Devin Nelson simply turned to them and calmly yelled, “Hey, they’re winning!” I just wanted to pinch his cheeks. Nick Kappra led the Brew Jays to victory, only giving up one hit. Brew Jays win, 8-0. The weather was looking up a little and so was the morale. The Jays were pumped going into game four. Game Video
Game 4: The KWL Aces. Jacob Fischer steps in as pitcher for this one, only giving up one hit. The Brew Jays are on fire, 9-3. Game Video
Game 5: Jays face off against the Gophers again. This time the Gophers put up more of a fight but Nick Kappra hits a walk-off homerun to win the game 13-12.
Game 6: The first tournament game against Meaquon...Oops! I mean, “Mequon” (we all know they’re a little sensitive about the spelling). Mequon is a good team, and the Jays lost 11-0. Ouch. My only suggestion to Mequon is to study up a little on the rule book before showing up next year. Game Video
Sunday morning, I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a truck. And I didn’t just play five games of wiffle ball the day before. After arriving at the field a little early, and watching everyone else slowly file in, I could feel that everyone was in good spirits. Exhausted, but still laughing and goofing off with one another. These guys who had been rivals all season, had come together as a team. Everyone brought something different to the table. Some of the guys were comic relief, like Jeremy Ray. When he would strike out or throw a bad pitch, he would get mad at first, but then he’d blurt out some strange obscenity. “Whore tits” seemed to be his favorite. Then there was McClanahan who would sometimes wear his frustration on his sleeve, but every time they played “Dick in a Box” as he walked up to bat, he would always smirk at least a little. Josh Smith, is kind of like the team dad. He can goof off with the best of them, but he always manages to keep the team on task and does a great job of cheering them on. We even got to see some celebratory half-nakedness from Josh and Greg Sowards (who had an endless supply of blueberry muffins from the continental breakfast bar) a couple of times throughout the tournament, which didn’t disappoint.
Game 7: Jays vs. Freaky Franchise. It was all or nothing. After losing our first tournament game, the outcome of this one would decide whether we would stay or go. Everyone was exhausted, but they played hard. Kappra and Ray pitched with sore arms, Jacob Fischer nearly impaled himself jumping over the fence for a fly, and Ray played with a hole in his butt. Pitcher Justin Tomkins and Freaky Franchise win 12-0. The tournament was over for the Brew Jays. Game Video
Not only was I not absolutely miserable all weekend, I actually had FUN. I was proud of the Brew Jays for fighting until the end, and I look forward to seeing what they’ll do next year. I do request that everyone bring a loaf of bread as an attempt to assist Steven Adkins in finding his way around since his phone gps kept getting him lost. #breadcrumbsforsteven
